The Independence Paradox: Why Children Need to Depend on those who Care for them

We live in a society preoccupied with independence – kids are expected to do for themselves what they are capable of.  “Earlier is better” is the modus operandi, whether it comes to weaning, independent sleeping, feeding, dressing, or schooling.  Ironically though, when we look at societal trends, young adults are actually reaching independence at later ages than ever before, living with parents longer, marrying later, and having children later.

In fact, this push towards early independence may actually lead to a prolonged dependence, as it is one of the paradoxes of development that independence is only gained through a sufficient dependence.  The dependency needs of each stage must be satiated before the child can be freed to move on independently.  Although weaning is often seen as a sort of tearing away, the word “weaned” in its root form actually means “filled”.  It is only through being filled (or mourning the lack of fulfillment), that children can actually be freed from a particular need.

I have seen this principle at work in my own experience several times.  My son, who nursed avidly for the first couple years of his life, wasn’t showing any signs of slowing down, and although I didn’t mind too much, I was beginning to long for some less interrupted nights.  And then one day, by complete surprise, he simply stopped asking to feed and stopped nursing.  There was no struggle to it, he had just had enough.  Potty training came much the same way:  no matter how much coaxing or inventive games we employed, he would adamantly refuse to even attempt independent toileting, often announcing that he liked diapers and would wear then forever.  Then, one day completely by surprise, he decided that he would try using the potty, and was out of diapers a couple of days later with only a very minimal number of accidents.

Although all kids achieve developmental milestones in much different ways,  what is key is that independence cannot be forced.  A forced and premature independence will lead to insecurity and anxiety, and a preoccupation with attachment.  An attachment hunger that is not satiated will remain a driving force behind behavior and can be associated with a variety of adult relational difficulties (unless sufficiently grieved).

Fulfilling dependency needs, and adopting a “let me take care of you” type of stance towards our children will give then the security they need to venture forth on their own.  Research has shown that toddlers who are carried and picked up frequently actually walk more (by their own choosing) when compared to toddlers who are encouraged to walk on their own by caregivers who are reticent to pick them up.

Encouraging our children to depend on us also gives us the context for discipline.  Discipline, meaning “to lead or guide” can only be accomplished if children are willing to follow, which requires that they trust and depend on us.  Dr. Gordon Neufeld, in Hold on to Your Kids, talks at great length about dependence as being the essence of attachment, and it is through this that we can transmit our culture, values, and behavior to our children.  And if children are not depending on their parents, they will transfer these needs elsewhere, usually to their peers, and will be taking their cues for behavior and values from their peers rather than their parents.  Once this happens, as Dr. Neufeld warns, it becomes much more difficult to guide the child and exercise any sort of influence.

Although our culture has become somewhat allergic to the idea of dependence, it is the essence of attachment, and is a necessary component to all attachment relationships.  In healthy adult relationships, a marriage or friendship, the dependence will be mutual and will shift according to the needs of the individuals in the relationship.  In regards to parenting, however, the dependence needs to be hierarchical: the parent being the provider and the child being the recipient.   This allows the child the maximum amount of security and freedom from responsibilities too overwhelming (such as caretaking a parent).  It is from this place of security and freedom that they will grow and find true independence according to their own developmental timetable.

Nonviolent Communication and Unconditional Love

Welcome to the February 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Respectful Interactions with Other Parents

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have focused on how we can communicate with other parents compassionately.

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I heard a true story recently about a care home nurse in Sweden.  The nurse, who was new, was assigned to care for a notoriously difficult elderly woman.  This patient was known to heap verbal abuse on anyone who helped her, and communicated her discontent whether speaking or not.  The newly assigned nurse saw what she was up against, and made a conscious decision to not take offense to anything the patient did, and to offer unconditional love.  Some time went by, and the patient continued to behave with contempt and disdain.  The nurse, noticing that the patient spent hours in her rocking chair, decided to bring in another rocking chair, and simply rock beside her.  After about a week of rocking together, the patient began to talk of her struggles and sufferings, while the nurse listened compassionately, offering a caring touch.  After about a month of this, the patient no longer behaved abusively, and her mental illness was completely cured. 

In light of the blog carnival topic of respectful interactions, it stands out to me that the nurse was able to make a conscious decision to not be offended.  This, for me, is one of the keys to open and honest communication.  If I allow myself to become offended at someone else’s response, I become defended, and barriers are erected.  This does not mean that I won’t feel sad or hurt at what someone says, or that I won’t feel a passionate disagreement, but choosing to not become offended will help me to remain open and see the other with more caring eyes.  This is one of the first steps towards unconditional love, which, as evidenced by the story, is the power that renews the world. 

Ideas and philosophies related to parenting are topics that I am quite passionate about, as are most parents, since we care deeply for our children and want the best for them.  Although I believe that there is a way of relating to children that is in accordance with the natural design of child development, I aim to approach situations of conflict with an openness to learn.  Even if I feel that the others’ viewpoint is misguided, there is still usually something for me to learn, often about myself and my own reactions.  And, I am continually humbled by real life, in which it is sometimes hard to live up to what I know to be the right way.  Having ideals is easy, but living them is a process of much greater growth and struggle. 

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon February 14 with all the carnival links.)

 

• How to Respond Respectfully to Unwanted Parenting Advice and Judgment — At Natural Parents Network, Amy (of Peace 4 Parents) offers some ways to deal with parenting advice and criticism, whether it’s from your mom or the grocery store clerk.
• Judgement is Natural – Just Don’t Condemn — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shared her views on why judgment is unavoidable and why the bigger issue is condemnation.
• Four Ways To Share Your Parenting Philosophy Gently — Valerie at Momma in Progress shares tips for communicating with fellow parents in a positive, peaceful manner.
• When Other Parents Disagree With You — Being an attachment parent is hard enough, but when you are Lily, aka Witch Mom, someone who does not enforce gender roles on her kid, who devalues capitalism and materialism, and instead prefers homeschooling and homesteading — you are bound to disagree with someone, somewhere!
• Mama Bashing — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud reflects on the hurt caused on the blogosphere by mama bashing and pleads for a more mindful way of dealing with differences.
• Accentuate the Positive — Joella at Fine and Fair shares how she manages interactions with the parents she encounters in her work as a Parent Coach and Substance Abuse Counselor by building trusting relationships and affirming strengths.
• The politics of mothers – keys to respectful interactions with other parents — Tara from MUMmedia offers great tips for handling the inevitable conflict of ideas and personalities in parenting/mother’s groups, etc.
• Trying to build our village — Sheila at A Gift Universe tells how she went from knowing no other moms in her new town to building a real community of mothers.
• Internet Etiquette in the Mommy Wars — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses how she handles heated topics in the “Mommy-space” online.
• Parenting with Convictions — Sarah at Parenting God’s Children encourages love and support for fellow parents and their convictions.
• How To Be Respectful Despite Disagreeing On Parenting Styles… — Jenny at I’m a Full-Time Mummy shares her two cents’ worth on how to have respectful interactions with other parents despite disagreeing on parenting styles.
• Public Relations — Momma Jorje touches on keeping the peace when discussing parenting styles.
• Navigating Parenting Politics — Since choosing an alternative parenting style means rejecting the mainstream, Miriam at The Other Baby Book shares a few simple tips that can help avoid hurt feelings.
• Hiding in my grace cave — Lauren at Hobo Mama wants to forget that not all parents are as respectful and tolerant as the people with whom she now surrounds herself.
• Carnival of Natural Parenting – Respectful Interactions with Other Parents — Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles explores how her attitude has changed regarding sharing information and opinions with others and how she now chooses to keep the peace during social outings.
• Empathy and respect — Helen at zen mummy tries to find her zen in the midst of the Mummy Wars.
• Not Holier Than Thou — Amyables at Toddler in Tow muses about how she’s learned to love all parents, despite differences, disagreements, and awkward conversations.
• Nonviolent Communication and Unconditional Love — Wendylori at High Needs Attachment reflects on the choice to not take offense as the key to honest and open communication.
• Respectful Parenting As a Way of Life — Sylvia at MaMammalia writes about using her parenting philosophy as a guide to dealing with other parents who make very different choices from her.
• Homeschooling: Why Not? — Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares how parents can often make homeschooling work for their family even if, at first glance, it may seem daunting.
• If You Can’t Say Something Nice… — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells her philosophy for online and offline interactions … a philosophy based primarily on a children’s movie.
• Different Rules for Different Families — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses how differences between families affect our children, and how that can be a good thing.
• Respectful Interaction With Other Parents — Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares the ways she surrounds herself with a like-minded support network, so that she can gently advocate in her dealings with those whose opinions on parenting differ vastly from her own.
• Parenting as a mirror — Rather than discrediting others’ parenting styles, Kate Wicker discusses why she tries to focus on doing right rather than being right — and why she’s also not afraid to show others that she’s a heartfelt but imperfect mama just trying to be the best mom for her family.
• The One Thing {Most} Parents Have In Common: They Try Their Best — Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry finds interacting with other parents easier once she accepts that they are all just trying their best, just like her.
• Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to eliminate judge/be judged metality — MudpieMama reveals 5 ways of thinking that have helped her find her mama-groove and better navigate tricky parenting discussions.
• Speaking Up For Those Who Can’t — We’ve all had those moments when someone said something hurtful or insensitive, or downright rude that just shocks you to your core, and you’re stunned into silence. Afterwards, you go home and think “Gosh, I wish I said…” This post by Arpita at Up Down, And Natural is for all the breastfeeding mamas who have thought “Gosh, I wish I said…”
• Thank you for your opinion — Gaby at Tmuffin shares her go-to comment when she feels like others are judging her parenting style.
• Mending — A playground conversation about jeans veers off course until a little mending by Kenna at Million Tiny Things is needed.
• The Thing You Don’t Know — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about what she believes is one of the most important things you can consider when it comes to compassionate communication with other parents.
• 3 Tips for Interacting with Other Parents Respectfully When You Disagree with Them — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about respectful interactions on her parenting journey.
• Peacefully Keeping My Cool: Quotes from Ana — How do you keep your cool? Ana from Pandamoly shares some of her favorite retorts and conversation starters when her Parenting Ethos comes into question.
• Kind Matters — Carrie at Love Notes Mama discusses how she strives to be the type of person she’d want to meet.
• Doing it my way but respecting your highway. — Terri from Child of the Nature Isle is determined to walk with her family on the road less travelled whether you like it or not!
• Saying “I’m Right and You’re Wrong” Seldom Does Much To Improve Your Cause… — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment writes about how living by example motivates her actions and interactions with others.
• Have another kid and you won’t care — Cassie of There’s a Pickle in My Life, after having her second child, knows exactly how to respond to opposing advice.
• Ten Tips to Communicate Respectfully, Even When You Disagree — What if disagreements with our partners, our children or even complete strangers ultimately led to more harmony and deeper connections? They can! Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares ten tips to strengthen our relationships in the midst of conflict.
• A Little Light Conversation — Zoie at TouchstoneZ explains why respect needs to be given to every parent unconditionally.
• Why I used to hide the formula box — Laura at Pug in the Kitchen finally talks about how judgement between parents changed her views on how she handles differences in parenting.
• Assumptions — Nada at minimomist discusses how not everyone is able to nurse, physically, mentally, or emotionally.
• Shushing Your Inner Judgey McJudgerson — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction knows that judging others is easy to do, but recognizing that we all parent from different perspectives takes work.
• Respectfully Interacting with Others Online — Lani at Boobie Time Blog discusses the importance of remaining respectful behind the disguise of the internet.
• Presumption of Good Will — Why — and how — Crunchy Con Mommy is going to try to assume the best of people she disagrees with on important issues.
• Being Gracious with Parenting Advice — Tips for giving and receiving parenting advice with grace from Lisa at My World Edenwild.
• Explain, Smile, Escape — Don’t know what to do when you’re confronted by another parent who disagrees with you? Amy at Anktangle shares a story from her life along with a helpful method for navigating these types of tricky situations (complete with a handy flow chart!).
• Balancing Cultures and Choices — Dulce de leche discusses the challenges of walking the tightrope between generations while balancing cultural and family ties.
• Linky – Parenting Peacefully with Social Media — Hannabert’s Mom discusses parenting in a social media world.

 

Weekly Review: Supportive Parenting and Brain Development

In a recent study entitled  Maternal support in early childhood predicts larger hippocampal volumes at school age (Luby, J., et al., 2012),  the  researchers discovered a link between supportive parenting and hippocampal development.  In the study, parental response was assessed during a stressful task – the parent and child were asked to wait eight minutes before unwrapping a brightly wrapped gift, within arms reach.  The parents supportive responses to their child wanting to open the gift were recorded, and were correlated with hippocampal measurements from a MRI scan. 

The results, which demonstrate a clear link between higher levels of supportive response during a stressful task, and growth of the hippocampus are interesting, as no previous human research has demonstrated this effect in a prospective way.  The hippocampus is a brain region which is key in terms of memory function, emotional regulation, and stress modulation.  In other words, it has a lot to do with the maturation process, that of being able to handle intense feelings and stress.  It also directly affects learning, due to its role in memory and spatial reasoning.  And interestingly enough, it is one of the first areas to be affected in the onset of Alzheimer’s disease. 

This study lends empirical support to what we already know through intuition – that children need a positive, supportive response when stressed, rather than a punitive or harsh response.  Science is helping us to further understand the connection between attachment and brain development, as well as the amazing capacity of the human brain for continued growth throughout the lifespan.

Weekly Review: Aggressive Behavior in young children

I’m going to attempt a weekly review feature, where I’ll focus on an article or blog post of particular interest.  This week’s article gives a positive and attachment based take on dealing with aggressive behavior in young children.  The link to the article is below, followed by my own few thoughts.  Her blog, oMudpieMama is a great resource for anyone interested in attachment based parenting, play and natural approaches. 

When Children Bite and Strike:  Five Positive Ways to Deal and Heal  by Ariadne at MudpieMama

I recently came across this article by MudpieMama on the subject of physical aggression in young children – an issue that any parent with little ones will find challenging.  Some kids are more aggressive than others – likely due to their sensitivity levels or intensity, but most kids will have some phases of hitting and the like.  This article was timely for me, as we have just been through an aggressive stretch where my own preschooler’s frustration levels were heightened, likely due to illness and changes in our family schedule, often erupting in physical aggression. 

I can really appreciate MudpieMama’s suggestions for preventing frustration buildup (identifying triggers) or using attachment to facilitate tears and reach deeper feelings one the aggression occurs.  Most conventional approaches (time out, consequences) will actually increase frustration, thereby fueling the problem, although they may appear to work in the short term.  And, as the article reminds us, aggression in young children is quite normal, as they lack the self awareness and integrative functioning to act otherwise when frustration is high enough. 

 

The Imperfect Sandwich

Yesterday we had a little lunch trauma.  It was triggered by a sandwich that was slightly misshapen and misaligned – not quite perfect.  At times my very sensitive three year old can cope with these annoyances, but today was not one of those days.  He seemed to be in one of those periods where his sensitivity heightens, usually coinciding with some type of developmental leap. 

And so,  confronted with a tantruming child refusing to eat his lunch, my urge was to rationalize him out of it (food tastes the same no matter its alignment); however I knew from past experience the fruitlessness of this approach for these types of situations, and needed to find a new way.  Gently I was able to come along side him with understanding and empathy, and ever so gradually the screams melted into sobs.   After the sobs quieted, he at once leapt out of my arms and announced, “Maybe I can just eat all the pieces separately.  That will be okay.”  Lunch continued in a very happy and peaceful way, and all was well again.  I am grateful for these little experiences as it can be difficult to reach this place with a bright and sensitive child.  I am continually reminded that my job is not to provide all the solutions, but rather provide a warm connection in which he is safe to feel, and the solutions will emerge spontaneously.

New Years Reflections

After taking a lengthy hiatus from blogging, I wish to extend wishes for a wonderful new year.  As you can probably tell by now, I have somewhat of a sporadic approach towards blogging, however, one of my goals for the new year is to write (a little) more regularly, as I do find writing to be quite therapeutic, and helpful in integrating all that I am learning. 

Although I am not generally the type to make a list of new year’s resolutions, the turn of the calendar does cause me to reflect on the previous year, as well as areas of growth for the coming year.  In terms of my parenting  journey, probably the one area in which I yearn for the most growth is in keeping a soft heart.  Emotion is the main fuel of psychological growth, and in order to continue to grow, I need to allow myself to feel the full range of emotion, in all its vulnerability.  There is a sort of paradox in this, in that the more I can feel “negative” feelings, such as sadness, disappointment, or loneliness, the more deeply I will experience joy, fulfillment, and connection.  It can be difficult to be in this place of vulnerability, as defendedness often creeps up and deadens the feelings to a greater or lesser degree.  I have come to understand my own defendedness as being somewhat related to my stress level, emotional triggers, and the degree to which I am incorporating life – giving activities (exercise, crafting, reading, etc) into daily life. 

This aspect of personal growth is directly related to my parenting abilities, as I can only help my child to experience his own vulnerable feelings to the degree that I can in myself.  In other words, how can I support him through his tears of disappointment, if I am stressed, detached or frustrated?  The importance of this stands out to me for a couple of reasons:  children who cannot tolerate vulnerable feelings and find their tears are often moved to frustration and anger (acting out behavior); and will also be defended in their ability to experience the positive aspects of life, thereby not experiencing the depth of joy and fulfillment that we are meant to.  On the other hand, children who can tolerate vulnerability are highly adaptive and resilient, caring and compassionate. 

One way in which I can journey towards a softer heart is to simply slow down.  I am not primarily talking about the pace of activities in which I am engaged, but rather the pace of my thoughts.  If my mind is often darting into the future worrying about or trying to forecast what will happen, my stress level is inherently raised.  Although it has become somewhat of a cliché, “staying in the present” does actually create a lot more mental room for a fuller and richer experience of life.  Relatedly, taking times for silence and reflection help further the said objective. 

There is much more that can be said of this, as it all has to do with the process of becoming more fully human, which is a life long task.  However, what has been pressing on me lately is the importance of this as related to my calling as a parent.  I seek to find ways of gently encouraging myself along this path, thereby encouraging growth in my child as well.

What areas of growth are you seeking on a personal level?  As a parent?  I’d love to hear your feedback. 

Why I No Longer Use Time Outs – A Developmental View

I have used time-outs once or twice, I think when my son was about 18 months.  I did not feel right about it at the time, as I could see his terror at being put in a forced separation, and he did not seem to “learn” anything from it, so I stopped using time-outs.  A couple of years later, I am now beginning to understand the reasons for my unease. 

Time-outs are one of the most popular and widely used discipline techniques, likely due to the fact that they often work.  After a threatened or actual time out, the child will show remorse for behavior and temporarily extinguish the problem behavior.  However, I do not believe that the result always justifies  the method.  We need to look at why they work, evaluating both the short and long-term implications. 

The time-outs I am referring to is when the child is separated from the caregiver for a varying amount of time, due to some unwanted or problematic behavior.  I am aware that there are other forms of time-outs, some which do not use separation, but I will keep my focus to those which do.  The mechanism by which the time-out works, is the removal of attachment – the relationship is withdrawn until the child until the child is willing to express remorse, or to end a certain behavior.   Developmental science now understands attachment to be the primary need for young children, even greater than food and water.   Most parents would not think of withdrawing food and water to discipline their child, yet regularly withdraw attachment, at times when children need it the most. 

I believe that we do this because we tend to assume that children see things (or have the capacity to see things) the way adults do.  The parent who is disciplining the child knows that the relationship will be restored, and knows that they love their child despite the temporary disruption of connection.  The child however, especially if very young, (under age 5) cannot developmentally see things this way.  The young child is only capable of holding on to one thought / feeling at a time.  For example, the child will either feel mad at mommy or loving towards mommy, but not both simultaneously (I am mad at mommy, but still love her).  Coincidentally, it is this developmental phenomena that leads to many of the problematic behaviors – the child hits when he is mad because he can not hold on to his loving feelings at the same time as the angry feelings.   The development of the capacity to hold on to two or more thoughts / feelings simultaneously has been termed “the integrative process” by developmental theorists (Piaget, Jung, Neufeld), and is thought to typically develop around ages 5 – 7.

It is this lack of capacity for integrative thought that troubles me about the use of time-outs.  The young child is not capable of thinking “Mommy puts me by myself because she loves me and wants me to behave”, but rather feels scared by the withdrawal of attachment.  If this happens often enough the child will be in a constant state of alarm, and will have difficulty trusting that people will meet their needs. They may also learn that “good” behavior secures relationships, and may have difficulty being authentic and tolerating conflict later on in life.   Furthermore, teaching children that their behavior can control the presence of the relationship inherently puts them in the lead, potentially making them harder to discipline when older. 

In reflecting on the potential long-term effects of repeated time out use, it would seem that we need to find another way.  Behavior does need to have boundaries, and children do sometimes need to be removed from situations, however removing the relationship its self can be very detrimental.   It can be difficult to sort out the messages from a culture that sees children as machines to be programmed – use of the right consequences / rewards will create or extinguish behavior – rather than as unique individuals endowed with great developmental potential, which needs to be nurtured, rather than taught.  Discipline, for us, has been one of the more challenging avenues to negotiate of parenting, with each new stage bringing new challenges.  One of the hardest parts of the journey is not being able to see the end at the beginning, and having to trust the process as it unfolds.  However the more we witness the miracle of development, the more we can focus on providing the right conditions for growth, and let go of needing to control every outcome.