Welcome to the July Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting Philosophy
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared their parenting practices and how they fit in with their parenting purpose. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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I should have expected something was different when my son Isaiah (
now three) was born.The minute he exited the birth canal, the nurse exclaimed “wow, is he ever alert”, and during the next few hours in the hospital, people could not seem to stop commenting on how “healthy” and “robust” his cry was. Isaiah nursed ferociously right from the start, and failed to have that 6 – 8 hour sleep after birth, as the baby books advised me he would.
Over the first weeks and months, I gradually gave up on the 6 – 8 hour sleep idea, and became grateful for even a two-hour stint. Isaiah spent his infancy nursing frequently, crying persistently, and being held continuously. He knew exactly what type of care he needed and demanded it loudly and persistently. The first few months were somewhat of a crash course in attachment parenting, with a very steep learning curve.
By grace of coming upon “the Fussy Baby Book”, by Dr. Sears, I was comforted knowing that there were other children similar to him, and that we too would survive, and possibly even thrive. Dr. Sears describes what he calls “high needs children” as intense, hyperactive, draining, feeds frequently, demanding, awakens frequently, unsatisfied, unpredictable, supersensitive, high touch, not a self soother, and separation sensitive. Coming to a better understanding of our unique little guy facilitated a deeper acceptance of the path we were on, and we, at times, did begin to thrive as a family.
Having a challenging child has nudged me towards a growth that I may otherwise not have found. In order to better cope, I have had to look inwards, to better understand my triggers and weaknesses. I have been continually challenged to let go of any hidden desires to be validated through my child, as it is hard to feel like the star parent when you are frequently leaving public places with fits of screaming and kicking, or when your answer to “how is he sleeping” does not quite measure up.
As Isaiah is now three, I am starting to see the flip side to many of the high needs traits, in terms of the great gift that they are and the joy the bring us. As much as Isaiah has been (and still is, at times) difficult to satisfy, he is also more deeply grateful than most people I have met. He also expresses a remarkable depth and intensity of love that brings me joy beyond words to hear him say things like “I really really really love mommy”. His hyperactivity and sensitivity are driving an intense curiosity that fuels rapid and diverse learning.
When I reflect on how I see some of these traits developing in adulthood, I can see someone who is curious, loves learning, is motivated and driven, is a leader, is creative and has a capacity to form deep relationships. Keeping this long-term perspective in mind can help me exercise patience when feeling drained and overwhelmed. I feel deeply grateful for who my son is, as he has brought a richness and depth to my life that would not otherwise be present.
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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon July 12 with all the carnival links.)
- Between Love and Fear: On Raising our Children Sensibly — Mamma Earthly at Give an Earthly discusses the fear factor in parenting and how she overcame it, despite societal pressures.
- really, when do i get my cape? — Sarah at small bird on fire is a working city mama trying to learn how to set aside her expectations of perfection and embrace the reality of modern parenting.
- Baby, Infant, and Toddler Wearing — Child wearing is part of Sarah at Nourished and Nurtured‘s parenting philosophy. In this post, Sarah describes benefits of child-wearing and gives tips for wearing babies, infants, and toddlers (even while pregnant).
- First Year Reflections — As her daughter’s first birthday approaches, Holly at First Year Reflections reflects on how she and her husband settled into attachment parenting after initially doing what they thought everyone else did.
- Making an allowance — Lauren at Hobo Mama welcomes a guest post from Sam about the unexpected lessons giving a four-year-old an allowance teaches the child — and the parent.
- How to be a Lazy Parent and Still Raise Great Kids — Lisa at Granola Catholic talks about how being a Lazy Parent has helped her to raise Great Kids.
- Philosophy in Practice — Laura at A Pug in the Kitchen shares how her heart shaped the parenting philosophy in her home.
- What is Attachment Parenting Anyway? — Gaby at Tmuffin describes the challenges of putting a label on her parenting philosophy.
- Of Parenting Styles — Jenny at Chronicles of a Nursing Mom talks about how she and her husband tailored various parenting styles to fit their own preferred parenting philosophy.
- Moment by Moment Parenting — Amy at Peace 4 Parents encourages those who care for children (including herself) to explore and appreciate parenting moment-by-moment with clarity, intention, trust, and action.
- Maintaining Spirituality in the Midst of Everyday Parenting, Marriage, and Life — Sarah at Nourished and Nurtured shares her perspective on finding opportunities for spiritual growth in every day life.
- Parenting Philosophy — Lily, aka Witch Mom’s parenting philosophy is to raise child(ren) to be compassionate, loving, inquisitive, and questioning adults who can be trusted to make decisions for themselves in a way that avoids harming others.
- Long Term — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis thinks about who she would like to see her daughter become — and what she can do now to lay a strong foundation for those hopes.
- Connection, Communication, Compassion — She’s come a long way, baby! After dropping her career in favour of motherhood, Patti at Jazzy Mama discovered that building solid relationships was going to be her only parenting priority.
- My Parenting Inspirations – Part 4 — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks at her biggest parenting inspiration and how that translates into her long-term parenting philosophy.
- A Parenting Philosophy in One Word: Respect — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction summarizes her parenting and relationship philosophy in one word: respect.
- Knowledge and Instinct — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment believes that knowledge and instinct are super important … as are love, encouragement and respect. It’s the ideal combo needed to raise happy and healthy children and in turn create meaningful relationships with them.
- THRIVE! — The Sparkle Mama wants to set a tone of confidence, abundance, and happiness in her home that will be the foundation for the rest of her daughter’s life.
- On Children — “Your children are not your children,” say Kahlil Gibran and Hannah at Wild Parenting.
- This One Life Together — Ariadne aka Mudpiemama shares her philosophy of parenting: living fully in the here and now and building the foundation for a happy and healthy life.
- Enjoying life and planning for a bright future — Olivia at Write About Birth shares her most important parenting dilemmas and pours out her heart about past trauma and how healing made her a better parent.
- My Parenting Philosophy: Unconditional and Natural Love — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about her parenting philosophy from a year of following her instincts as a mama.
- An open letter to my children — Isil at Smiling Like Sunshine writes an open letter to her children.
- My Starter Kit for Unconditional Parenting — Sylvia at MaMammalia discusses her wish to raise a good person and summarizes some of the nontraditional practices she’s using with her toddler son in order to fulfill that wish.
- Responsiveness — Sheila at A Gift Universe has many philosophies and goals, but what it all boils down to is responsiveness: listening to what her son wants and providing what he needs.
- Tools for Creating Your Parenting Philosophy — Have you ever really thought about your parenting purpose? Knowing your long-term goals can help you parent with more intent in your daily interactions. Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers exercises and ideas to help you create your own parenting philosophy.
- Be a Daisy — Becky at Old New Legacy philosophizes about individuality and how she thinks it’s important for her daughter’s growth.
- What’s a Mama to Do? — Amyables at Toddler in Tow hopes that her dedication to compassionate parenting will keep her children from becoming too self-critical as adults.
- grown-up anxieties. — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life explains her lone worry concerning her babies growing up.
- Why I Used Montessori Principles in My Parenting Philosophy — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells why she chose Montessori principles to help her now-adult children develop qualities she wanted to see in them as children and adults.
- Parenting Philosophies & Planning for the Future — Momma Jorje considers that the future is maybe just a fringe benefit of doing what feels right now.
- Not Just Getting Through — Rachael at The Variegated Life asks what truths she hopes to express even in the most commonplace interactions with her son.
- Parenting Philosophy? Eh… — Ana at Pandamoly shares the philosophy (or lack thereof) being employed to (hopefully) raise a respectful, loving, and responsible child.
- Parenting Philosophy: Being Present — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses the changes her family has made to accommodate their parenting philosophy and to reflect their ideals as working parents.
- Who They Will Be — Amanda at Let’s Take the Metro shares a short list of some qualities she hopes she is instilling in her children at this very moment.
- Short Term vs. Long Term — Sheryl at Little Snowflakes recounts how long term parenting goals often get lost in the details of everyday life with two kids.
- Parenting Philosophy: Practicing and Nurturing Peace — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle sets personal goals for developing greater peace.
- Yama Niyama & the Red Pajama Mama — Part 1: The Yamas — In part 1 of a set of posts by Zoie at TouchstoneZ, Zoie guest posts at Natural Parents Network about how the Yoga Sutras provide a framework for her parenting philosophy.
- Yama Niyama & the Red Pajama Mama — Part 2: The Niyamas — In part 2 of a set of posts by Zoie at TouchstoneZ, Zoie explores how the Niyamas (one of the eight limbs in traditional Yoga) help her maintain her parenting and life focus.
- Our Sample Parenting Plan — Chante at My Natural Motherhood Journey shares hopes of who her children will become and parenting strategies she employs to get them there.
- Philosophical Parenting: Letting Go — Jona at Life, Intertwined ponders the notion that there’s no right answer when it comes to parenting.
- Unphilosophizing? — jessica at instead of institutions wonders about the usefulness of navel gazing.
- Parenting Sensitively — Amy at Anktangle uses her sensitivity to mother her child in ways that both nurture and affirm.
- how to nurture your relationships — Mrs Green at Little Green Blog believes that sometimes all kids need is a jolly good listening to …
- Philosophy Of An Unnatural Parent — Dr. Sarah at Good Enough Mum sees parenting as a process of guiding her children to develop the skills they’ll need.
- Life with a Challenging Kid: Hidden Blessings — Wendy at High Needs Attachment shares the challenges and joys of raising a high needs child.
- Flying by the Seat of My Pants — Heather at Very Nearly Hippy has realized that she has no idea what she’s doing.
[...] Life with a Challenging Kid: Hidden Blessings — Wendy at High Needs Attachment shares the challenges and joys of raising a high needs child. [...]
I am in tears reading your post, not just because Kieran and Isaac sound like kindred spirits, but because I’ve been so frustrated lately with how to handle my intense preschooler that I’ve forgotten to stop and count how blessed I am to have such an intense child. Kieran, too, makes such heart-warming declarations of love, but I never thought to connect it to how intensely he feels things. Of *course* it is! Thank you for giving me a new perspective.
Such a beautiful post that bought tears to my eyes. I recognise my daughter in this post and you’re right; at times you are on your knees with exhaustion but then you see a spark of inspiration, of such pure, unconditional love, of intensity of feelings and empathy that it makes all those trying times pale into insignificance. Thanks for wording all of this so beautifully.
I love this! I, too, have a high-needs child, and it has been very challenging. But like you said, it has also been extremely rewarding to be his parent. It’s fun for me to read your description of how your son is now (two years older than mine) and know I’m going to have that kind of perspective someday. Thank you. =)
I know how you feel. Bubby was very ‘high touch’ and sensitive too. It seems like so much more ‘work’ to have a high touch child, but the rewards are so wonderful.
[...] Life with a Challenging Kid: Hidden Blessings — Wendy at High Needs Attachment shares the challenges and joys of raising a high needs child. [...]
[...] Life with a Challenging Kid: Hidden Blessings — Wendy at High Needs Attachment shares the challenges and joys of raising a high needs child. [...]
[...] Life with a Challenging Kid: Hidden Blessings — Wendy at High Needs Attachment shares the challenges and joys of raising a high needs child. [...]
[...] Life with a Challenging Kid: Hidden Blessings — Wendy at High Needs Attachment shares the challenges and joys of raising a high needs child. [...]
One of the biggest blessings that I have received from exploring the world of the high needs child is better understanding of myself. When I first picked up _Your Spirited Child_ at a LLL meeting 15 years ago I realized that as much as I may have thought that my then 3 yr old was high needs (turns out she wasn’t relative to her follow-on siblings LOL) it was me that was sensitive. I learned that I was an introvert and prone to over stimulation – both traits that, when found in a parent, can lead one to have difficulty with an normally rambunctious toddler. Knowing that though I’ve been better able to put in place strategies that help me to parent more in line with my ideals.
Having high needs toddlers grow into children and teens I’ve appreciated both the enigma of their quirkiness and the heartbreak of their challenges. With a more “average” child you can picture various life paths that look somewhat text book. Depending on your own background you can imagine education, career, relationships. With the ones who are just different it is more difficult to conjure up those images and frankly I wait with baited breath to see how they will “turn out” because if it is anything like the first part of their life – anything goes
.
Im so excited I found your blog (I try to read at least a few of the natural parenting carnival posts each month!) my almost-two year old is so intense and it can be exhausting. It’s great to hear from other moms with high needs kids and feel reassured there’s nothing “wrong” with my kid and instead look at the blessings he brings! Thanks for the positive thoughts you shared here
[...] Life with a Challenging Kid: Hidden Blessings — Wendy at High Needs Attachment shares the challenges and joys of raising a high needs child. [...]
Sometimes I wish people would stop asking parents how their babies sleep — the answers rarely satisfy anyone! Your son sounds a lot like Mikko was as a baby, although in our case Mikko has grown out of it to some degree. It definitely makes you be an attachment parent from the start, doesn’t it?
[...] Life with a Challenging Kid: Hidden Blessings — Wendy at High Needs Attachment shares the challenges and joys of raising a high needs child. [...]
Thank you! I needed to read this. We also have a high needs girl (just passed the 12 month mark, phew!) and have, so far, had similar experiences here! She’s such a delight and so very curious (but still demanding, loud, constantly-nursing, intense). I look forward to getting to know her every day. Thank you again, we had a rough day today and I needed another reminder what a sweetheart she is and will become!
Both my girls are high needs. I have a 3 yr old and a 4 month old. With my first, it all started with cluster feeding in the hospital. I had no clue what it was and was in tears as I told the nurse to finally take her away on day 3 in the hospital so I could finally sleep. That was the first time I’d ever heard the phrase. And it just went from there. So when my second girl started cluster feeding in the hospital, it just made sense.
They both have(had) to be held all day long. People comment(ed) ALL the time about how alert they are. My oldest daughter is so active during the day it can be exhausting, and we are trying to teach her how to pretend play quietly. I didn’t get a full nights (more than 4 hours at a time) sleep with my first for over two and a half years and every time I’d get her back to sleep she’d wake up the moment her head touched the mattress.
I don’t know if it’s just because I’ve been through it before but it doesn’t seem as hard this time around.
My eldest is so creative and bright and the things that come out of her mouth, yes she is very attuned and sensitive. She is so very compassionate and I never thought to attribute any of these things to the fact that she was high needs.
So thank you.
I can’t wait to see how baby sister turns out.
Thanks to everyone for all the interesting comments on this post – it’s uplifting to hear about everyone’s experience with their own high needs children, and encouraging to hear everyone’s thoughts and ideas.
[...] Life with a Challenging Kid: Hidden Blessings — Wendy at High Needs Attachment shares the challenges and joys of raising a high needs child. [...]
[...] Life with a Challenging Kid: Hidden Blessings — Wendy at High Needs Attachment shares the challenges and joys of raising a high needs child. [...]
[...] Life with a Challenging Kid: Hidden Blessings — Wendy at High Needs Attachment shares the challenges and joys of raising a high needs child. [...]